Like seriously, think about it for a moment.
If we all had monkey tails, we’d just endlessly be using them to play with ourselves. Because, I mean, if you could just stand there with it curled up under your skirt rubbing yourself, but with both hands in plain sight, so no-one knew, then wouldn’t you?
Like all day?
So people would. All the time. And that’s fine.
Except problem! Because people would have always been like this. Because we’d have been doing it forever. So we’d just be like these evolved compulsive masturbators, and everyone would be at it, and no-one would really think about it much. But it would have been going on forever, so everything humans ever did, all through history, would be affected by this.
I mean, affecting everything.
Like, even back when we were cave people, you could get on with your day of cavepersoning and still fondle yourself. So you’d be off gathering the nuts and berries, using both hands, and playing with yourself as you did. Like, hunting the mammoth, making the flints, digging up tubers or whatever, and also, rubbing away.
And then when we invent clothes and cities and everything, but people would just keep doing that.
I mean, except with the odd outbreak of religious extremism probably, and then everyone would walk have to walk around naked because it would be the only way to prove your moral purity, like to be sure everyone wasn’t still rubbing themselves.
So moral purity just wouldn’t work. Because the choice would be naked and not masturbating, or clothes and masturbating. So basically, that idea would collapse under the weight of its own stupid, and then everyone would go back to usual.
And so probably everyone would be happy.
And that’s nice!
Except! Problem! All of this masturbation would mean we’d all be doing less thinking, because how we’d be half-distracted all the time. Like constantly.
As in, by now, in 2014, we’d probably only just be getting the hang of aqueducts and stuff, rather than internets and computers. But then again, there’d probably less wars and hate and anger too, because when someone else in a cart cuts you off in your cart, you shrug and go oh well. Because you’re sitting there driving and rubbing yourself.
And same with arguments in shops, and omfg asshole, is this really the price of dates, and someone gets the last special wooden toy trojan horse or whatever at holidays time. All of that, you care for a second, then go, mmm, nice rubbing, and don’t care any more.
And trade negotiations. And employment contacts. And peace deals. Everyone would be, yeah, whatever dude, anything you like, mmm, rubbing.
And so everyone just gets on better!
And wars would be the same. Like how if you’re in bed and having special alone time and someone knocks on the door, or the neighbors are noisy, you don’t really care. So same. Like, all through history, when someone somewhere runs down the street going omfg what those people in the next country over did, we have to go and kill them all. Then everyone would kind contentedly be, dude, sit down on your tail and chill for a moment, and the trouble-maker would, and then would be all, oh okay never mind.
So that might actually be good. Like civilization or happy, which is better? That kind of idea.
And yes this is probably a metaphor for a utopian world without politics or something? Um, maybe? Or permanently surgically attached sex toys? Maybe?
I’m not sure.
Anyways. Monkey tails. Seriously! Someone go write a SF novel about this because I’m never going to!
Update: oh I am so going own the tag “monkey tail masturbation” on both wordpress and google! Ha!
Rethinking this slightly update: um, I really, really hope I am, anyway. Now I’m too scared to actually check.
Against my better judgement update: oh my fuck google. Just, oh my. So um, okay, apparently a lot of people categorize their humorous primate masturbation videos by actual species, and a lot of monkey species have the word tail in the name… I think I need to be away from the internet for a little while now…