So I was vaguely looking at an EULA just now, and getting all inspired. Thanks Microsoft! So now I’m seriously thinking of using this as my new copyright notice, but just wondering if the publishy places might not stop me…
This ebook is copyright. It is not being sold. It is licensed to you for your personal use and enjoyment only. If you are not enjoying it, then you no longer have permission to use it. So stop reading it! Omfg does this actually need pointing out. Go read something you do like! Life is short! It should be fun! Don’t make me sue you to force you to read shit you actually like. Ha! Oh, and also, it’s not published, asshole, just licensed, so you don’t have permission to use its name, cover, blurb, description, contents, characters, or plotlines on any review site, or your own blog, or anywhere else. This remains an unpublished private communication between you and the author and isn’t subject to fair use. Don’t make my lawyer go find a US state where this is actually true, because my lawyer doesn’t want to move to Delaware and you won’t like paying the legal fees that result from that either. Oh yeah, also, you agree to pay all the legal fees involved in enforcing this licence agreement. And to indemnify retailers against any claims by you relating to this licence, and agree that retailers and internet service providers may turn over your private and identifying information to the author and her representatives and agents in order to investigate licence agreement breaches. Oh, and you’re paying for those representatives and agents too. And giving me $262,800 or some other weird and random amount of money every time you break them, where “break” is defined by me and my appointed arbitrator. An arbitrator which you also agree to let me pick, whose decision is binding on you. But not me, of course. Oh, and you agreed to all this just by opening the book file, so it’s too late to change your mind now. And also, please don’t use this ebook to make nuclear or biological weapons. I suppose chemical weapons are okay, though, if you must, but that’s still kind of rude. I mean, remember what happened to Saddam. Oh, and never use this book to make political points about anything, because whatever your politics are they probably bore me. And I don’t like being bored, so just don’t. Oh, and never talk about politics and religion at dinner. And the fish fork is the one on the outside. And stop using semicolons, they’re just pretentious. And don’t try and reverse engineer my brain, please, at least not while I’m still using it. And don’t criticize this license agreement in public. Okay, I think that’s all. And notwithstanding anything else in this licence agreement, if you’d like to well, just read this ebook, then that’s fine, you may! And if you’d like to say something actually nice, you are welcome to do that too. But my lawyer is watching, and you bought me a real pit-bull of one, thanks for that, so don’t cross them, I mean it! Oh yeah, and also you agree that this license is binding on you even if an agreement like this is actually illegal wherever you are, and you also agree I can alter the license terms whenever I like, in any way, without actually bothering to tell you. Okay, now I’m done,
I’m kind of actually quite seriously tempted to put this in a book and see if anyone actually notices. Because well, I have a weird feeling that no-one would, and that a lot of this might actually really be legal if I did. Which would be sort of funny in a twisted and awful way…
And oh yeah, this is kind of sarcastic internet, in case that wasn’t obvious, so don’t shout at me if you don’t like it. Because if you’re reading this on a computer that isn’t running a linux you probably already agreed to something like this.
Here, have a link to the EFF page about dodgy EULAs.