A Workout! To Go with the Diet!

Um, this diet I mean!

And the workout is this…  vigoriously hump a pillow for twenty minutes each day!  Every day!  Because that has to be quite good exercise surely?  Like humping a pillow, all sweaty and fast, with no hands or whatever you might do to speed things up…  that could almost actually be a workout.  Maybe?  Couldn’t it?

I think so anyway.  And I think this is clever!  So ha!  My exercise guru workout routine is invented, go me!

I mean, it probably is like, actual exercise, as well as just the um…  cardio…   At least for some quite specific, um, humpy muscles.  Which is better than none!

And what’s important is that like the diet, it’s way more fun than the gym!

And way more fun means you might actually do it!

So yay!

Oh wait…  actually…  more fun than the gym unless you have a very exciting kind of a gym with very special machines, maybe.  I don’t know. I mean, I can see how in theory weights machines could be made way more interesting to use than they are now, is all.  So if you have some kind of special gym like that, I guess you’re already okay!  And um…   if you do, then please tell me?  Okay?

But otherwise, except for experimental pervert gyms, do this instead!

Because it has to be good for you!

And also, it must be good for toning your butt, too!  Maybe…  um, perhaps.  Or abs…  or like some weird muscle in your hips you never think about otherwise…  but that’s okay, because why should all the obvious boring muscles that stick out and get all the attention also get all the effort?  How unfair!  Do some work on the hidden invisible actually-useful muscles instead, I say!

Omg such good healthy living advice around here!  Wow!

Um, actually, completely don’t listen to me, I have no idea.  Like, go ask a personal trainer instead!  A personal trainer would know!

Um, wait…  no actually don’t…  that’s maybe a bit creepy.  Like going, “oh hi, I need a program for my calves and arms but my hips are fine because I masturbate excessively”

Actually, that might be a bad thing to say.  It’s kind of rudely sharey, anyways.

So instead, just go hump a pillow!  Because I said so!  Don’t bother with professional advice, because how I’m a diet guru now, so you should listen to me!  Because actually, now I think about it, if you do, that’s like exercise, and saving a personal trainer from harassment, both at the same time!

You’re like doing good deeds as well as having fun!

Yay!

Although, um, I’m sorry…  this is kind of a specific workout, and I’m not sure what boys could do instead.  Like run up and down stairs while wanking maybe?  I’m sure that can’t be too unsafe…

I’m so full of helpful suggestions and ideas aren’t I!

Maybe I should write cookbooks instead! Or diet books!

So because I am in a hyper mood and not actually doing anything useful…  um, because of apples… um… seriously…

Anyways.  An idea!

So I was in an actual paper bookshop the other day, like one where actual paper books are.  If you remember those?  Like, the things which I would read if I actually did read because if I did they’d have to be paper because I don’t have a kindle…  and yes I know that’s slightly sad for someone who writes ebooks…  but never mind.

Anyways.  I was looking around and thinking how amazingly many cookbooks there are.  And not just “oh I’m a famous chef with a TV show here’s my book” ones, but all sorts of books.  So, so many books.  And also diet books.

And then I thought, I could write a diet cookbook!

Then I remembered I’m way too lazy to actually do that.  Like with all the organizey and test-cooking and all the rest.  And taking all the photos of food?  I mean, I can barely clean the shower or organize one photo for a book cover.  So no, actually I don’t think I will.

Because it’s so, so much easier just to be a diet guru!

Like, just by saying so here!

So I will!

And ta-dah, here’s my new diet I just invented…

Any time you want to snack, masturbate instead!

I think that would be the best weight-loss programme ever!  And it would actually work!  Probably!  Maybe!

Because mainly, it would be fun!  So you wouldn’t keep meaning to do the diet, but then actually not!  You would do it!

So that’s good!

And it might even be a good cardio workout too…  perhaps?   Like even if you don’t actually…  um…  move around very much.  Because cardio…  like your heart rate would be elevated, um, briefly, and I’m pretty sure all the healthy living messages are just “elevate your heart-rate for a little bit each day”.  Like nothing about how exactly you should do it…  and how exercisey you need to be….  so it would be good for cardio, maybe, if not actually building endurance or muscle tone or whatev!

So that’s good too!

Although actually, I guess if you just want to increase your heart-rare, you could maybe just watch horror films several times a day.  Or get people to shout “boo” at you unexpectedly.  Or eat chillies….  maybe one of those would be easier?

And actually, with the…  um…  diet…  I guess it might work better if you’re at home all day like me….  as in, you’d be better able to do this at home than if you sit at a desk in the middle of a busy office all day…  um…  that could be awkward….  or embarassing…  which might put you off your new diet.

But anyways, that’s my new guru diet!  I hope you’re all impressed!

Oh, also, /sarcasm probably….  sorry I forgot the tag at the start :)

Lazy and Apples and April (Why I haven’t written anything in ages)

Oh, and also, I know I went quiet again, and it started because dramas, but now its mostly just the mid-autumn seasonal-affective-disorder too-much-apple-sugar April glug.

I hope.  I assume.

Um, back soon, anyways.

And April-apple-glug because i just realized it happened last year too, so maybe its just me.  Which is a bit alarming, but never mind.

But nows I must go and write a thing for the other one.  And if you don’t know there’s another one, um…  read this first, but there is :)

Writery Stuff: Linky about Marketing (Um… Not)

So yes, this is actually not so much a clever and useful linky about marketing as one about why I don’t, and maybe people shouldn’t, and how maybe that’s okay because marketing, or at least social-media-type marketing, perhaps isn’t very useful for writers.

And mostly so how because of all that, I shouldn’t feel guilty because I don’t, and maybe you shouldn’t either if you do too!  Which is good, like not feeling guilty!

Ha!

Um, seriously, because I think some people reading this are actually writers, like from back in the day maybe, although some people aren’t.  So if you aren’t, just ignore, but for the writers, um, this…

Please shut up: Why self-promotion as an author doesn’t work

Which is useful!  And actually did help.  As in, help with confidence and feeling less like I don’t do enough, rather than with the actual marketing.  Because it’s basically saying the “twitter doesn’t sell books” thing and also the “best marketing is write another book” thing, and I think maybe hearing those over and over, with convincing-ness, is actually very useful!

So here you go!

And yes, I know it’s maybe only telling me what I already wanted to hear, but that can be nice too!  Even if only for the less guilty-ness :)  But also, I think actually she’s right, and kind of explains better than I can what I was vaguely feeling but hadn’t worked out how to say.  And say properly.  Like with reasoning and evidence and stuff!  And in a lot more detail than I ever could.

Which is why just linking rather than trying to say it myself!

So yes, maybe less useful than actual marketing advice, but maybe actually more useful too, because it might help you not feel guilty or lazy or useless or not committed because you don’t bother doing social media as much as some people say you should.

Because for that, it helped me heaps!

And yes I know this is a blog and so social media.  But you know what I mean!

Anyways, that was just in case someone found it useful.  Except instead of just posting a link I went on and on.  Oh well.

Oh, and for credityness, this is from the Passive Voice, which is about the only booky thing I look at, but you should too!  Because useful!  And also, one day when I’m rich and famous he’s going to be my lawyer.  Not that he knows it yet haha.  And also, he is a fine example of how to just post a link and not go on and on and on about it…  um…  :)

Okays, so yes, now I should stop.

And so I will!

Big Old Election Day Grump

I just had a wonderful idea!

So most places, every three or four years, everyone gets to join in with politicians’ self-validitation games and go vote in an election, yes?  Yay!  But this self-validitation is only for politicians.

Not for anyone else.

But um…  why?

Because I think everyone else, in all other jobs, they should be validated and happy too!  Like, everyone should be able to do the same thing at politicians!  And make people validate them!  On a day they choose!  So then everyone can all feel super-loved and happy because all the attention and votes and interest!

Just like politicians do!

Like, every three years, we could have film and music and writers and food and coffee and carpentry festivals where everyone in the whole country HAS to go and tell people they’re fabulous!  And pick one of them as a winner!

Yay, fun!

Lots of fun!  And even more fun, there’d be rules!

Like, say, if you don’t want to go to the actual festival-day, you’d have to buy a book or a song or a cupcake or whatever beforehand.  And you wouldn’t be allowed to forget either, or then you’d have to go to the actual festival, because obviously the people organising everything are busy and important and are only doing it for YOU, not themselves, and they don’t have time for your entitled bossy individual needs, thank you very much, so just stop being difficult and go!  Now!  And no, it doesn’t count if you really, really meant to have done it and forgot and will next week, promise, as soon as you have time.  No!  Too late!  Go to the festival!  This is important!

Or, at least, it’s important to the people organising it, who might win, and I can’t think what could possibly go wrong with letting the people who might win a contest organise it too, and also giving them the power to make everyone else join in…  what could go wrong with that?

Nothing, right?

And also, the bit about buying a song or book or meal or occasional table beforehand?  That has to be over the postal mail, too!  By law!  No I don’t know why either!  It just does!

Because over the internet, that’s way too simple, I suppose.  You have to suffer for it!  And queue!  Or you won’t appreciate having done it, I guess, if it’s all too easy and obvious.  Obvious, like, I don’t know, a phone app or something so you can do it while you get coffee!  Like you do for paying bills!   But no, that’s too obvious.

It has to be old-fashioned and serious and use paper and stuff!

And wait, also, we need more festivals!  Because there probably aren’t enough festival organisers to really make this completely fair.  And there might be fights between organisers, or whatev.  So instead of one big book or cupcake or music festival, you’d really need to let everyone do this!  Like any smaller part of any business or hobby or craft at all!  So instead of just having one big film or music or food festival, we’d have lots!  We’d have all the fesitvals!  For everything!

Same as how just when you get done with a federal election, and think that’s all finished, oh wait, yay, now it’s time for a state one.  So same thing!

Because then, as well as big festivals, you’d get to have little specialist niche festivals, and STILL make everyone come.  By law!  So stringed-instrument-only folk-music festivals and high-performance electric-hybrid car-shows and a festival of floaty red dresses, but only floaty and red and dresses!  Or a festival for cupcakes flavoured with orange but iced with non-orange icing!  Or a day for bushwalking, but only bushwalking in parks but not the actual bush.  Or I don’t know what else…  anything!  Until every single day is a something day and most of them are several things days, and every one of them you HAVE to join in!

Because, like, why should politicians be the only people who get to MAKE everyone join in with their validation?

No, um, really?  I don’t get it.  Why should they be?  Why is politics such a special job?  Like, why can’t we make everyone go to ComicCons too?  Or join in a national Bakery best-bread-prize Day?  Or a most-polite-about-dealing-with-patients-stupid-medical-questions-because-they’re-scared Nurses prize Day?  Or actually, a thank-you-SES best-dressed-in-orange day?

Um, I’m actually almost serious about this…  like why not?

Because it seems like there’s way more important jobs than politicianing, is all.

So this is my grump for today.  And I had started going on about this a bit…  as, um, might be obvious?  And I was going to keep going on about it all day, too.  Except it’s only lunchtime now, and partner is already bored with it and wants me to stop.

So now I’ll tell all of you instead!  Ha!

Oh, um, because today is a state election here, and because here you have to vote, so I get snotty about being made to go out just to join in other people’s silly hobbies, is all…  like have politics if you must but leave me out of it, please… :)

And yes, before anyone scolds me and wags their finger, yep democracy yay its all so terribly important oh my…  except how part of democracy is being able to choose NOT TO JOIN IN…  oh wait, no it isn’t…  :)

And also, with the part about having to actually go to a place and stand in a queue, and actually deal with all the super-yay political sign-holding people, who all get their super-validateds too…   um…  since I can do my actual money banking on a phone app, and that’s secure, why can’t I do that to vote too?  Um, seriously?  Especially since how that would actually let them check for people voting more than once, because phone numbers, and because how you have to prove who you are in the first place to get a phone…  um, is this just so obvious I’m the only one seeing it?  Sigh.

And also, it would let them count things instantly.  So they wouldn’t need to take up the TV all night with election coverage.  And also, they could text you a reminder if you haven’t remembered to yet…

Oh wait, actually, that would be really annoying.

Um, forget I said anything :)

So anyways, this is my rant for the day, and probablys for the whole year, really.  So I picked well!  Like a really important issue to address!

But now I’m done :)   Now I’m stopping.

I’m stopping because now I have to go and stand in a queue and vote.  Or not vote.  But I still have to go and stand.  Sigh.

 

Update because apparently i don’t pay enough attention:  so actually there is an app, it turns out, but you don’t get to use it unless you live a long way from a voting place…  like in the outback i suppose, rather than, um, sydney.   or if you have reading difficulties, which I don’t quite get, since wouldn’t you also have reading difficulties on an app?   as in, getting rid of the 500-line senate voting form would probably help more with fixing that…

And then again cause i’m dumb:  oh i see…  reading difficulties like eyesight problems, not reading problems…  which makes a little bit more sense :)

Oops I haven’t posted in ages…

And I was going to, except then I kind of went to pinterest and got distracted…  um…

Sorry?

So more stuff soon, I was just hiding for a bit, and at least I wrote something here even if its only four lines.  I’ve answered emails too, and sorry that took ages.

Um, that was all really.  Sorry?  And thank you for looking.

Weird SFF-Satire-Flash-Ranty-Preachy Story: Offering the World

This is a bit weird.  It’s not smut.  It’s also probably triggery and maybe offensive to religious people.  But I hope the good kind of offensive, like the offensive that hints at something which might be worth saying.  I hope anyway.

Um, if not, sorry.  Like actually really sorry.

But its SFF and fantasy, so no-one should be offended.

Or satire.  Maybe its satire.

I’m really not sure.

But anyways, here, have a weird flash-fic SFF story thing!

 

New Wattpady GxG Romancey Thingy: Valentine’s Day

So its really late and I’m way too tired to have anything clever to say, sorry!  But literotica has story prompt writing contest thingys, and the current one is Valentine’s Day, so well, um, I did!  And if you’re interested, the prompt is that, obviously, and you have until Feb 5, so go do one too!  Quick!

Anyway, here’s mine, which is a story, and which is here!

And um, that’s all really :)  Enjoy!

Oh, and thank you for looking, since…  um…  well you are.

Okay not making sense, going away now…

Oh my, that google bomb actually worked!!!

So um, I just thought… because how I just went looking on here for my list of anti-trackery websites just now…

And no-one probably remembers this now, including me, but ages ago, like a year and a half ago, for no particular reason I put the words “midget elephant gerbil porn” into a post just to see if I could get it to show up on google.

And, um, apparently it did!

LIke the top result, at least for me, is now me!  Ha!

I really am quite proud.  Like, humbled, and flattered, and oh you, the internet, is so, so very kind.

Um, now everyone go click that over and over and really confuse everything!

Squee!

So I Wrote a Privacy Policy…

So I started fiddling with a visitors stats-collector thingy, and then thought I’d better say I was, and that it was on here, in case any of you mind terribly.  Which then kind of turned into a privacy policy.  Which is sort of silly, but sort of not.  Like all of the usual ranty about ad-blockers and stuff.

Because use ad-blockers!  And anti-trackers!  And all the rest.  Because, um true story thingy, I only found out Wattpad has ads on it after a year and a half writing there.  Um, seriously.  And that was only because I kind of wondered how they were making money and asked google and it said through advertising and I went oh yeah, right.  And so they are.

So anyways.  Like with the trackers and cookies and privacy here, basically, wordpress always counted pageviews and stuff, which you all knew, I hope.  But now I got another one, from another company, who are counting the same stuff the same way but more carefully, basically.

So if anyone strongly objects, please do say and I can rethink this.  Like I can turn the tracking cookie off at the least.

But remember how I’m probably more paranoid than all of you, so I’m really doing this basically assuming wordpress is already hoping to one day horribly misuse all its visitor data from everywhere, and I can’t stop them, so I might as well have my own data too.

Um, seriously.

And you should all assume that too!