On Not Swearing In A Bad Way

So I’m trying to work this out.  Is fucktard offensive?

I mean yes, obviously, to some people.  But I’m not meaning the fuck bit in it.

I’m going to get a bit philosophical about swearing here.

So I’m thinking.  There are words that are, um, dramatic, and there are words that are just going to fucking offend people if you use them.  So, it’s kind of okay to use the first and not really so much to use the second.

Obviously not everyone agrees.  Within the parameters of how I write smut and how you’re reading this blog.

So there’s words that mean actual things, and words that don’t.

So fuck, bugger, motherfucker, clusterfuck, those probably don’t actually mean anything but ‘emphatic noise’.  Like, clusterfuck is a brilliant word, but it really doesn’t mean mismanaged military operation, or group masturbation.  It just means clusterfuck.  Douche-canoe is fairly frequent at our house.  That ought to be like the fucking word of the decade on those lists people make.  But it doesn’t mean canoe used for douching.  Fucking obviously.

And yeah, douche-canoe is two words.  I put in a hyphen to magically make it one.  You can do that shit if you’re a writer.

Um.  Probably sometimes shit means shit, but like when its got an adjective.  Like dog-shit means actual shit from a dog, but shit is just a noise.

Cunt probably doesn’t actually mean vulva, to people who use it.  I suspect it means silly person.  But I’m socially conditioned and shit, so I still don’t like it.

Yes, I don’t like a swear word.  Fuck.  That’s some crazy shit, Tess, it’s like the world’s coming unstuck.

So some words don’t mean actual things, like fuck and motherfucker, and some words do mean things.

Slut, for example, does mean slut.  Usually pretty unequivocally.  Especially if shouted.  Wanker generally means something to do with masturbation.

Hold that thought, I’m going somewhere with this.

So here I swear a lot because this is a blog about me writing smut, so what’s the point trying not to?  And it must be really fucking obvious how much I swear by now, so you can’t really pretend to be shocked any more.  And because I don’t care if you are shocked.   I mean, I know that sounds rude, but basically, don’t read this if it upsets you.

So I swear.  Like say fuck, all the time, and I don’t really care what people think.  It just like reflects poorly on me and shit.

So that’s fine.  On me.  Unladylike.

I don’t care.

But I do care if I use a word that means an actual thing, and what that word means is something used to marginalise or belittle or fuck with other people

Then yeah, I do care about that.

See the difference?  It’s the difference between ‘emphasis noise’ and ‘fuck you’ and those aren’t the same thing at all.

So by the way, why does anyone use gay as an insult any more when you could just say goat-fucking cluster-fuck instead?  I actually don’t get this.  Like, what’s the situation where one is okay and the other isn’t?  It’s way more fun to be called on goat-fucking cluster-fuck at a party, because that makes you look cool and sweary.  Being called on gay just makes you look like a douche-canoe.

I’m actually quite proud of that paragraph.  It’s just so fucking… me.

Update when I thought of it: Um yeah, so I’m Australian and know some particular kinds of people, so I’m not actually suggesting you try and live your entire life constantly dropping goat-fucking cluster-fuck at every possible opportunity.  I suspect that’s not going to last long.

Best possible outcome, no angry people or bikies nearby, just the police, would be,

Police: “Ma’am, would you please stop saying goat-fucking cluster-fuck all the time.”

You: “Goat-fucking cluster-fuck, sure I will.”

Horrified silence from onlookers.

Then probably, “Ow,” because of the handcuffs and shit.

I just mean, if you’re standing in a supermarket queue, thinking of saying that chewing gum or bottled water or whatever looks gay, then maybe you should consider saying it looks like a goat-fucking cluster-fuck instead and like, not fucking say anything.  Or do, as is appropriate.

That point, however, may have actually have not been made.  Because I lost my train of thought.

But yeah, there’s like times and places and shit, and times even I try not to.

This was all meant to be shorter than it turned out.  So, to summarise what I didn’t say in the first place, from the principle of using leotarded instead of retarded, I started wondering about fucktard.  Because I use it a fair bit, from my actual mouth, and I’m trying to decide if it’s just another empty noise that just means ‘emphasis’ or if it’s a quite horrible thing to say.  Like laughing at other people’s problems and trying to pretend you’re not.  Which is just fucking sneaky and wrong.

Because of that up there.  That if what you mean is goat-fucking cluster-fuck, then you should probably just say it.

So I think fucktard means silly person with poor judgement.  But not everyone else might agree.

So if anyone out there wants to tell me to stop, I will.  Or, like in the leotarded link, I’ll really do my best.  Because that’s what got me thinking.

And yes, obviously I learned from my mistakes and didn’t put fucktard in the title.

And by the way Billy Connolly said all the shit at the start about bugger doesn’t mean sodomy and fuck doesn’t mean intercourse.  I can’t find an actual link, but he definitely did somewhere.  So I’m fucking acknowledging that and here’s a link to his website, just so I’m being polite.