I Got Inspired and Made a New Copyright Agreement!

So I was vaguely looking at an EULA just now, and getting all inspired.  Thanks Microsoft!  So now I’m seriously thinking of using this as my new copyright notice, but just wondering if the publishy places might not stop me…

This ebook is copyright.  It is not being sold.  It is licensed to you for your personal use and enjoyment only.  If you are not enjoying it, then you no longer have permission to use it.  So stop reading it!  Omfg does this actually need pointing out.  Go read something you do like!  Life is short!  It should be fun!  Don’t make me sue you to force you to read shit you actually like.  Ha!   Oh, and also, it’s not published, asshole, just licensed, so you don’t have permission to use its name, cover, blurb, description, contents, characters, or plotlines on any review site, or your own blog, or anywhere else.  This remains an unpublished private communication between you and the author and isn’t subject to fair use.  Don’t make my lawyer go find a US state where this is actually true, because my lawyer doesn’t want to move to Delaware and you won’t like paying the legal fees that result from that either.  Oh yeah, also, you agree to pay all the legal fees involved in enforcing this licence agreement.  And to indemnify retailers against any claims by you relating to this licence, and agree that retailers and internet service providers may turn over your private and identifying information to the author and her representatives and agents in order to investigate licence agreement breaches.  Oh, and you’re paying for those representatives and agents too.  And giving me $262,800 or some other weird and random amount of money every time you break them, where “break” is defined by me and my appointed arbitrator.   An arbitrator which you also agree to let me pick, whose decision is binding on you.  But not me, of course.  Oh, and you agreed to all this just by opening the book file, so it’s too late to change your mind now.  And also, please don’t use this ebook to make nuclear or biological weapons.  I suppose chemical weapons are okay, though, if you must, but that’s still kind of rude.  I mean, remember what happened to Saddam.  Oh, and never use this book to make political points about anything, because whatever your politics are they probably bore me.  And I don’t like being bored, so just don’t.  Oh, and never talk about politics and religion at dinner.  And the fish fork is the one on the outside.  And stop using semicolons, they’re just pretentious.  And don’t try and reverse engineer my brain, please, at least not while I’m still using it.  And don’t criticize this license agreement in public.  Okay, I think that’s all.  And notwithstanding anything else in this licence agreement, if you’d like to well, just read this ebook, then that’s fine, you may!  And if you’d like to say something actually nice, you are welcome to do that too.  But my lawyer is watching, and you bought me a real pit-bull of one, thanks for that, so don’t cross them, I mean it!  Oh yeah, and also you agree that this license is binding on you even if an agreement like this is actually illegal wherever you are, and you also agree I can alter the license terms whenever I like, in any way, without actually bothering to tell you.  Okay, now I’m done,


I’m kind of actually quite seriously tempted to put this in a book and see if anyone actually notices.  Because well, I have a weird feeling that no-one would, and that a lot of this might actually really be legal if I did.  Which would be sort of funny in a twisted and awful way…

And oh yeah, this is kind of sarcastic internet, in case that wasn’t obvious, so don’t shout at me if you don’t like it.  Because if you’re reading this on a computer that isn’t running a linux you probably already agreed to something like this.

Here, have a link to the EFF page about dodgy EULAs.


10 thoughts on “I Got Inspired and Made a New Copyright Agreement!

  1. Funniest disclaimer I’ve ever read. You really should use it somewhere just to see if people are paying attention. “And also, please don’t use this ebook to make nuclear or biological weapons. I suppose chemical weapons are okay, though, if you must, but that’s still kind of rude.” If I had been drinking coffee, it would have squirted from my nose.

    • oh oh, the nuclear weapons thing is totally serious, like its in the apple EULA… like absolute truth, i promise, somewhere in there it actually says you can’t use your ipod to make wmds!

      and sorry about your nose and i am glad you weren’t!

      also, um, i assume the other comment was you, and something went wrong, cause it starts the same way? i just deleted it anyways :)

      and also, and even more um… i just realized i kind of accidentally used your name for the bad guy in one of the wattpad stories, and i’m really sorry… like i’ve done this before, the name stealing by mistake, and every time it’s someone i haven’t talked to in a while, and a name just pops into my head while i’m writing and i don’t realize until later… but just this kind of being worse than other times, because bad guy. so i’m really sorry and it was completely unintentional and it means nothing significant i promise!

    • oh i like!

      or, better, “the license is available on request, and is binding on you even if you fail to ask for it. to view the license, send a stamped self-addressed envelope, with postage for a 3 kg concrete brick, which the license is written on, to po box 3, somewhere, alaska…” :)

  2. Damn, I really wanted to reverse engineer your brain because we need more brains like that in the world, and now you’ve said I can’t ;-)
    How about if was non-destructive…

    • um, no!!! sorry :)

      maybe a medical scan but dude, it’s a brain! it’s kind of delicate, isn’t it?

      actually wait, um, on second thoughts, actually no, forget i even asked… i think maybe i’m not taking brain surgery advice from people on the internet, because just no, that’s a really terrible idea haha :)

      becuase, just, how many times have you heard, “oh i just need to do this to the thing, but don’t worry it won’t hurt it” and then whatever it is breaks…

      • In fact I may have said to people ‘don’t worry it won’t beak the thing’ and then broken it a time or two myself. But still ‘Brainssss’ (need a special font for Igor type voice).
        BTW you said on the other blog recently about being a weird and a freak and I just wanted to say no! As in not a freak. Maybe a bit weird but everyone is weird in their own way and your fantasies are probably not as weird as many other people’s (me included). Plus weird is good, if humanity didn’t generate weird members we’d never have got anywhere!
        People have all kinds of amazing fantasies and I think it’s so cool that you’re willing to share yours with us. On the other blog there’s a lot of ambiguity about what’s really true and what isn’t and I respect that because hey, please do whatever makes you feel comfortable and keep writing so we can keep reading it.
        And while I’m at it, I really love how you care about fairness and other people’s feelings, and I think the world is a better place for having people like you in it. Just saying.

      • um,


        but maybe you can’t do that when you comment haha… like i have the power!!! :)

        but also, just thank you heaps! like for all the nice stuff you said, really, but especially for the not weird… like its really kind you took the trouble, and its reassuring too, so just, um, thank you. it helps. that’s all :)

        but now, um, kind of random thought about all that, maybe what the world needs is a website where people go to kind of tick off all their things they never admit anonymously, like “yep i’m into that, into that, into that” and then everyone else can go and look and think, “oh yay, 3 million other people are into the same weird thing as me” if that makes sense? and then we all feel better!

        so anyways, um, that was random.

        um, on the other one, the stuff marked as true in the categories is actually true… like maybe i need to say that there though haha… like at the moment all the true ones are actually all true, but i just want to keep that vague so maybe one day i can put in something that isn’t so people can’t be sure and then later on if i ever need to, like if someone ever asks specifically and i get embarrassed, or thinks its them, then i can deny it, like go, “oh no i made that one up” for whatever they ask about. if all that makes sense…? it does to me anyways :) and yes i overthink, i know :) but i just thought i should say at the start so people knew.

        um, the fairness… like about following blogs and wattpad people and everythting? cause yep, that’s kind of awful sometimes because probably there’s other people who don’t see the explanations about that and then wonder why i’m not anyway, and then it’s back to the same thing and omg i don’t know! sigh.

        um, ok. stopping now. thank you was mainly all. just thank you for saying nice stuff, and being reassuring :)

  3. Quite likely I can do that with the fonts too but haven’t worked it out. Haven’t really tried TBH.
    Your anonymous website sounds like a great idea! Give us all a bit of reassurance. You could call it ‘ImIntoThat.com’…
    So I love how you overthink and go hyper in writing! Overthinking is definately better than underthinking, because that leads to people getting all their ideas from the media. Which is bad. And you’re welcome to the reassurance and stuff, because we all need it sometimes, and it sounded like maybe you did just now.
    And did I say actually I love all your writing? Really looking forward to reading the books you’re doing on Wattpad but reading books slowly chapter by chapter freaks me out, I need to do it all in one big lump, so I’m waiting till they’re finished before I start on them. That probably doesn’t help your stats on there so sorry about that.

    • oh, thank you… um, the overthinking is one of those things like… maybe just embrace it rather than try and hide it? if that makes sense?

      and reassurance… oh yep completely a bit… and especially with the other one! so thank you!

      and wattpad, just really please don’t worry… um, i think wattpad isn’t hugely good for numbers validation though, because it seems like lots and lots of people only turn up right at the end of a long story when you’re almost done anyway… so writing that way, it’s more just to make myself, like so there’s a deadline each day! but now i am, i sort of like the way of doing it too, like a little each day, like tv series, maybe? but i completely get what you mean, and since i STILL haven’t done any more of after the shooting, i totally don’t blame you haha :)

      so please don’t worry is what i mean! and thank you!

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